“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
How is it still this week?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.