*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
who did the taste test?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.