I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.