“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies