The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Bringing home a sharpie
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.