*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.