Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
You Might Also Like
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I can fix him.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.