*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
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When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.