You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Basically.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣