4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
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wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”