I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
You Might Also Like
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
smh
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like