Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
how to market bottled water to dads
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
#Caturday
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Running your mouth is not cardio.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.