ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it