Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!