Worth remembering.
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I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin