[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
😅😅😅
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant