Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
True?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over