News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Mood.. 😂
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.