Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.