It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
mechanics be like
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.