I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop