“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
You Might Also Like
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Botany good plants lately?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Danger is very dangerous
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”