The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty