5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“What?”
– Jude
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”