Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
(Gaming support cat.)
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.