how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
What kind of a cult is this?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Okey dokey.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”