Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Matt Goss
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me