Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
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Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days