*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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(by @ZachWeiner )
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
got so much cardio in today
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?