*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
No laws when master is gone
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times