So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
You Might Also Like
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.