Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Simple
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.