“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
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You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
BaD BoY!!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it