Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Respect
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.