neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
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welp
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no