Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
You Might Also Like
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.