In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Breaking news:
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
synchronized noseblowing
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.