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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Planet of the Apps.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.