sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.