I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
This is why I hate group projects
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Every work meeting this week
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham