Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The answer is funnier than the question
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy