If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
*lint rolls you awake*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Pass gas, not judgment.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi