Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
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Self-cleaning conscience
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.