After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
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This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.