I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls