A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.