Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.