Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now