*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
You Might Also Like
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Sex so good you see dead people.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?