Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink